Paulelmo's Blog

Dreams of flat salads

If I lived in a world that didn’t have grapes, I would probably have a rule against round stuff in my salad. Lettuce that likes to hang out with spherical objects had just better thank its lucky stars that Stella seedless green grapes are as delicious and as satisfying as they are, because if they weren’t it’d just be hanging with peppers that have been diced and carrots that have been slivered. Have you ever hung out with a slivered anything? Dull, lemme tell ya. Even 20/20 isn’t worth that.

Round stuff in the salad really does prove a nuisance; even cutting the grapes in half, in order to have at least one flat side, makes them only a little less unruly when you try to keep them on a fork, and who knew that their skins would be like armor when you’d try to pierce them with a fork? Oh, all right, it’s not like armor, but you can’t get any purchase on it because the slick flat side that you pin against the side of the bowl–or maybe you prefer a plate; I can go bigger, and stay neater, with a bowl, so I go with a bowl–just slides off on the dressing.

But they’re worth the hunt; they are. If they weren’t, there’s no way I would submit myself to the torture. Still, sometimes I wish that grapes tasted like beets, so I could have a nice flat salad with no wobbly pieces or moving targets. That’d be nice; that’d be less stressful.

2 Replies to “Dreams of flat salads”

  1. How dare you, sir, insinuate that beets are anything less than delicious!

    In all seriousness, I don’t understand adding anything to a salad that hasn’t been sliced, diced, chopped, cut, etc, if the food is usually of the round persuasion. I normally leave cherry tomatoes in my salad alone because every stab of my fork drives it that much closer to the edge of my bowl. Those buggers’ skins are harder to pierce than grapes’.

    1. Yeah, I just skip cherry tomatoes altogether and just dice them. If that were an option with grapes, I’d be all over it, but when you try to dice grapes you just wind up with a jelly.

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