Merchandisers and marketing folks be warned, about the quickest way to show me that you really don’t have much validity is to tell me what I “must have” or “must see” or “must do” or “must taste” or…. Were I to believe everything of such nature that I read, I would have no money, I’d be the thinnest obese person in the world and the most obese thin person, and I would have had some strokes trying to keep up with everything that I have to do. I must do it.
Sometimes they use the word “essential.” My good friend Siri, he’s an English dude oddly enough, tells me that the first way to define essential is “absolutely necessary.”
So, when Hearst Publications Inc. published their article “100 Fitness Essentials for a Healthier You” this week, they were saying to us “These are 100 things that are absolutely necessary for you to be a healthier person.”
Now, if you’re a marketer, I would imagine that about the worst thing you can do to hurt your chances is to kill your credibility, and one of the easiest ways to do that is to just make preposterous statements that nobody can believe. Thus, Hearst is not rating very high in that regard for me right now.
They are trying to tell you that you cannot become a healthier version of yourself–not even healthy, just healthier–if you don’t have these 100 things. Let me tell you some of the things on the list.
- Manduka Equa Artist Collaboration Yoga Mat That costs $92, and it’s just what you think it is, a yoga mat with art on it, which costs $92; I once bought Becky a yoga mat; it cost four bucks. Without realizing I was doing it, I put the other 88 bucks toward the kids’ college.
- Cubit Smart Under Desk Elliptical $349; An elliptical that you can put under a desk. That makes it that much easier to forget you own it, but it makes it harder to hang stuff on. Since it costs 349 bucks, you should consider such things.
- Weslo Cadence G 5.9 Treadmill $287; “Why do you need a treadmill when you already have an elliptical?” “I keep forgetting that I have the elliptical. I bought one that I can put under my desk, and I never can remember to use it.” “Your elliptical is under your desk?” “Yes.” “What do you hang your coat on?” “I don’t know; maybe that’s why I bought the treadmill.”
- Ridley Fenix Al Shimano 105 Road Bike $644; So, now they are saying, in order for you to be healthier, you need a bike, an elliptical, and a treadmill.
- Wahoo Fitness Kicker Snap Indoor Cycling Powertrainer (sic) $600; All I can say is, for 600 bucks, it better come in pink. Even if it doesn’t, can you see how healthy you’re gonna be? It’s gonna be boss.
And then we make it to these last two, and they really are my favorites.
- GTS Enlightened Synergy Organic and Raw Kombucha $113/case; You knew you were never going to be healthier without some Kombucha, and it’s only $113 a case. I hope they aren’t sold out by the time I get there.
And, finally, with me sitting here giddy at the prospect of typing these words:
- Hum Nutrition Raw Beauty Green Superfood Powder $39; Did somebody say “Colorless green ideas sleep furiously”? This sounds like the title Simon would give something, and Simon is six. “Well, yes, yes, I might try some, but could, could, could you tell me what it is?” “Of course we can tell you what it is; silly us. It’s nutritious superfood, which is raw and beautiful and green.” “And powdered, don’t forget to tell them that.” “Yes, and it’s powdered.”
As the title of this post says, the cost of the entire list is $6686. “$6686?!” “You want to be healthier, don’t you?” “Well yeah.” “Well that doesn’t come cheap. There are things you need; they’re essential.”
Now, I could draw great conclusions and make grand statements and tell you just why you don’t need all of that stuff, but I think I would be doing just what the Hearst company is doing, try to sell you on something. I’m not trying to sell you anything. In fact, I want you to keep as much of your money in your pockets as possible. All I’m going to say is this: I looked at that entire list, and there is not one thing on it that is essential to be healthier, not one.
God gave us everything we need to be healthier, and Hearst can’t sell one bit of it to you, nor can they help anybody else sell it to you. It’s outside, and it’s in the outer rim of the supermarket, and some of it can be purchased, but I don’t think any of the costs are going to run into the thousands.
So, yeah, I don’t like it when people tell us what we must have or must see or must try or must experience. The same is usually the case; they’re just trying to sell us something. I won’t be buying it…except for the kombucha, of course.
I think they’d do better if they just said something like “If you’re trying to be healthier, we think these things might help.” Then we’d be like, “Oh, lookie there; they aren’t trying to sell us stuff, they’re just seeing if they can help.”
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